My Projection Returns to Me!

Feb 19.2012
Desire what it is that I want, but be equally in love with its opposite. After all neither of them are real. 

Don't do anything I don't want to do. There is nothing left for me to learn. 

Love death. I couldn't have life without it. 

Remember I am not going anywhere until I say so. And anywhere I go is perfect. 

One of my favorite things to do is to go to Marble Slab for an ice cream cone. Why? Because it makes me feel good. Reading A Course In Miracles, Jed McKenna and Byron Katie is the same. I read them because it makes me feel good. At the same time, I am aware that they too are illusions,and I get to love them until I don't because I made them. Yummy!

There is no Jed Mckenna , this is me, I am a bloody genius. I knew this information all along. I just didn't want to accept it. It was me who chose to be asleep. It was me who chose to make suffering. I did it all, what a revelation. 

Why did I do this? because I wanted to know what it felt like? I got stuck, addicted to the feelings? Its all beginning to make sense. Lol, my life has been a farce, a dream, lol, what a laugh!

My fears are all around me. I see them in my friends and family . There are no friends and family. These are my fears,lol. What a lie I have made. They seem to be there, I see them but they are not real. What I am really seeing are my own mind games.  How can I be afraid of nothing? Who is the I that is afraid? The same I that made the fear? Lol,it's my nightmare that I am seeing, can that same nightmare be just a dream, a dream that has no reality other than what I give it?
"I have given everything in this world, all the meaning it has for me" quote from ACIM. 
       " How can I see this differently?"

My PROJECTION RETURNS TO ME---Feb 20 2012

Wake up wake up wake up! I see myself asleep. Someone's shaking me to try to wake me up. Who is it? I am so stuck, it's suffocating. I can't move, I'm scared. 
Bored, I am so bored, my fears are keeping me chained here. Fear of lack, fear of storms, fear of being trampled by the crowds. Who am I? I feel so small. Is there anybody out there? I can't see, its cold, so cold. Hello! Is anybody there? Nobody wants me, nobody cares, why don't you love me? What do I have to do to make you love me? 
No, I won't do it, I'll show you. Help me, I need need need need need need.......
It's too late. I have left it too late. I am going under, desperate, confused, empty. Take me lord, take me. How could it have come this far? Do I die here, lest I awake unfulfilled again? It's over, it's all over, I am. Dead. 

Making friends with Death!

I welcomed death. It was a difficult thing to do at first. No I am not dying or even close to it as far as I know,but I was afraid of it. So this week I practiced making a friend with it and what showed up for me was more life. Who would have thought that so much of my life energy was wrapped up in the fear of losing my life.

Now what? Well nothing huge has happened on the outside but something subtle and sweet has happened on the inside. More life! Just the thought of it makes me feel lighter. More life! More Freedom! More truth! What's next?

My Life In Increments

Part 1
Nothing can make me walk away from this issue, I grow through throwing myself into the fire. 
Part 2
I love myself now so I can say no and walk away, no more fires.
Part 3
Nothing to walk away from, its not real

I woke up yesterday morning saying over and over in my mind "I AM THE VOID!"
Memories returned from the teachings of Ramtha who had said, "The void is one vast nothing materially, yet all things potentially." Do I now finally understand what he meant?

My thoughts about life have been changing rapidly this past month or so. I have been contemplating an idea that I read in Jed McKennas book,which suggests that in order to be enlightened, one must return to "No Self". Now I don't profess to know what that means,but with the help of my Holy Spirit I believe I am going to find out, and the first hint,is this idea that I am the void. One vast nothing materially yet all things potentially. 

NO SELF! Think about that. It brings up both fear and excitement. The fear being the letting go of self and all it's beliefs, opinions, titles etc. Letting go of what I think God is, and certainly giving no credence at all to the idea of an ego, who I could use before as the reason for problems in my life. 

It's letting go of being the teacher, the healer, the artist and the idea that I need to fix myself or someone else. It's accepting totally that everything in this illusionary world is perfect just the way it is. No more choices to make, my ideas of good and bad gone down the drain. Hey, I don't have to be the "good" girl anymore, what a relief!

All joking aside these new contemplations have flipped my old way of thinking upside down, and I am realizing that my whole life has been a farce. Not that I regret any part of it. It was what it was because it was, and that's perfect for me. I couldn't have done it any different, just like now, I am destined to move forward with these new ideas because they are pulling me, and deep down inside of me I have this excitement that promises something new.

Stay tuned, I don't know when I will be back but it won't be too long.