An Endless Journey

Why am I calling this an endless journey? Because something deep inside of me knows that I am not this body and I am not really here. In this awareness there is no end because there never was a beginning.I believe I am living in a dream, a movie that I alone made up and directed according to my wishes and that everyone else, yes, including you who are reading this, are merely a figment of my imagination, the characters I chose,to be in the perfect place and time,in order to mirror back to me what I see in you,so that I can use that information to wake up to my true self. Meaning that whatever I see in another must be also in me, otherwise I couldn't see it.

I believe there is no past or future. That my seeming past is an illusion that never really happened, and my future is a story that has no merit other than that which I assign to it.

So, if my life here never really began it means I am not really here, so what do I have to talk about? And why a blog? I can honestly say it is purely a selfish act. I figure if I make a daily practice of getting my ideas down on paper it will keep me more aware of when I fall short of being in the truth. You see ,I must not fully believe what I know, otherwise I wouldn't think there was a here for me to write from.

So how do I know I am not making all of this up? I don't, in fact I have come to realize that I don't know anything.
And what is truth? I can't really explain it other than to say its a feeling, a knowingness, a something that lies within and has always been there. Everyone has it. It could be called intuition or a feeling that pulls me a certain way and cant be explained.

What I can say, is that when I follow that truth it always leads me to joy. Now I didn't say it always leads me to what I think I want. I have experienced that what I think I want is not always in my best interests.

I have learned there is no way out of this dream without asking for help from another source. This source has to be non changing and forever present. This source has to be pure love and forgiveness and free from judgement of any kind. I have learned to connect with this source as my Holy Spirit. In the past I have called it my higher self, my right mind, God, but now it is holy spirit.

I see myself as having two minds, a right mind and a wrong mind. My right mind knows all, forgives all and never guides me into fear. My wrong mind thinks it knows all, blames the world for my pain and suffering and knows nothing but fear.

Yesterday I meditated for an hour with some friends. Meditation is not something I do on a daily basis. In the past I have meditated for many hours daily and for many years, but this discipline changed over the years and I took to reading instead. So,during this meditation I decided to focus entirely on a lesson from a course in miracles which said, I am willing to sacrifice fear. An hour later the timer went off,and I continued my day feeling no effects from the meditation.

Last night I woke myself up repeating the same lesson over and over,I am willing to sacrifice fear. I fell asleep again and had a dream. My dream was full of chaos and frustration, a feeling I have at least once but probably more times on a daily basis. Then it became clear to me that there was something here I needed to look at more clearly. A metaphor appeared. It was massive bundles of thread intertwined millions of times and I was observing it as my life. The I that was doing the observing,was a light beam of pure joy,and the twine represented my movies, my stories, the life I thought was mine. I sensed the difference between the two seeming bodies. One heavy and laden with guilt shame and fear and the other shining, brilliant light. I saw my movie play out, the highs and lows, the attachments to what was going on in my day and the realization that even the happy things that I do are nothing compared to the absolute joy that I was experiencing in the present moment.

But how can I stay in that light? It seemed too much to comprehend. How can I experience a day in this seeming world without wanting it to be a certain way,and when it isn't to my liking how can I realize it's only a dream that I made up and I can change in any given moment?

As I asked these questions I realized with great fear that they could never be answered in a way I would have liked because I was asking to change one illusion into another illusion, one that would bring me more joy, and here is where I became fearful. I realized that nothing in this world can ever bring me lasting joy because it is forever changing. The real joy I was feeling as a light being never changes,and it has absolutely nothing to do with Wwwanything in this world, nothing.

So I was being asked to give it all up. Everything here that I am attached to,and I could see I was attached to everything. No attachment to where I am or what I am doing? how is that possible? I ask myself again now, am I willing to sacrifice fear?